It's always a disappointment when our goals blow up in our face or we find one to be particularly unachievable.
Meanwhile, at 1:40pm today...
I'm in the waiting room of my psych's office feeling 180° different than I had this morning.
I was moody, tearful, tired of being in an over crowded waiting room-- and without my meds (anxiety). Ran out two weeks early due to mania.
There's nothing more tempting than sleep for me today, but I'm in a mixed state or, in the middle of switching states, so I have to just wait it out and see how the next day plays out.
Switching
I find that I'm usually unaware of the switch in my mental polarity until a full depressive or manic state is achieved. It's embarrassing and unfair. It's hard to make plans.
My first clue that I wasn't manic anymore was when I took my morning shower. A heaviness I'm very used to had set in. Like a shall/poncho of sadness, it draped itself over my shoulders, chest and arms and weighed me down.
So I knelt down in the shower and took five minutes to breathe and try not to pass out from just feeling weak.
When I get out, I'm cold, I don't sweat, I'm tired and I want to go back to bed, but the Vraylar won't let me sleep away my whole day. This is how it combats the depressive states, with activation and dyskinesia if you insist on taking the medication at night.
Feeling like I need to kick my feet is constant. Jerking happens without my consent and it's a feeling of annoyance and slight hopelessness that falls over me.
Relationships
By late afternoon, I've already created a corner in my room farthest away from other people and made it cozy with pillows. Tucked in a symptom description of mania, I realize I've spend over 20 hours in the last 3 days producing music. Obsession over some task or activity.
Mine are always the same: writing, blogging, music, graphic design and web design. Always one of those things attracts the me in mania.
Thoughts
Rather than waiting patiently, I overzealously assumed this was the end of my struggles with bipolar. I thought that Vraylar would answer all my issues without causing any of its own and that was a naive thought that should've been reconsidered on my part.
My music changes with my mood. This last mania has spawned a mixed take dubbed Sir³N's SøNg. I'm proud of it, but I'm pretty sure no one else gets my music or my reasons for making it the way I do.
That last point is fine, it doesn't bother me much. I create for myself, but at the same time, it just makes me feel more at odds with the rest of society. And as usual, it's on more than one front that we disagree.
Stay Wøke Fam.