I'm so sad it's hard to move. I hate days like this. I may have mentioned before that it's difficult for me to stand up in the shower, due to this weird ass heavy, leaden, annoying, poncho of despair that drapes itself over my shoulders.
Yeah I'm pretty sure I mentioned that. Anyway, it's back today, so when this happens, I call it a depressive state.
My mom went into town, and asked me if I wanted to go. Today is one of the many days when I cannot accommodate. I have the energy to pace about. Now that the garage is empty, it seems like I have a little more space than just my room.
When you do a “disassociating pace“, which is kind of what I call what I do, you want to make sure you're somewhere safe.
It's easy to walk into things and lose your balance. I don't think it's safe to take off walking, and that is another symptom, in my personal experience of a serious affective disorder, or, extreme anxiety.
Yesterday I started to discuss what it is to be anxious and have nothing to focus your mind on. It is a nightmare.
Technically, I cannot say if this is a mixed state. It feels like one. But who can tell me other than the doctor? And who is here with me other than my dog? No one.
I'm tired of being annoyed. And I'm sick and tired of the perception that I'm constantly alone. I don't believe that that is right, logically, but it feels so differently in the chest.
To be depressed is to be downtrodden physically and mentally. Most usually, I find my depressive episodes start with a physical aspect.
The invisible poncho made of lead. The muscle aches, the inability to move fast. The inability to think fast. The inability to think at regular speed and make decisions. All of these things begin to add up subconsciously in my mind, and that is how I identify a depressive episode within myself.
When people tell me to snap out of it or ignore my symptoms completely, I feel invalidated. I feel like I suffer disproportionately in weird ways versus the rest of society.
It's hard to explain. Of course many people have it worse. But to be uncomfortable in your own body, all of the time, frustrated, agitated, unable to decide what you need to be doing. That is a limbo I wouldn't wish on anyone.