Right now, I'm just trying to work out my feelings. For the last 3 days, I have gotten up, did my normal morning stuff without too much discomfort. But when it comes to getting out of the house, for the past 3 days I've only been able to get as far as the garage.
I have gone places in those three days, but it was a quick trip, because I'm so edgy. I feel like everything irritates me. Like noises, especially unnecessary noises, drive me insane.
It's super hard for me to understand when rappers are freestyling or actually speaking to me. I guess that comes with the territory, But it happens in my real life more than it does in my professional artistic life.
I think I have issues with sound. For example sometimes when people talk, I don't understand what they're saying. I understand that they're saying words, but they don't mean anything to me yet. Only when I play their words back in my head, am I able to unjumble the words.
This happens to me a lot, and I used to wonder if I had some type of learning disorder or if it was just trauma. My psychiatrist says it's ADHD, but I kind of think it's trauma. Trauma re-routes shit in your brain on the regular. Some of our traumas are so deeply ingrained, that we don't even consciously notice them anymore.
For me, my subconscious " invisible rules " are walking quietly, constantly trying to be pleasing, over apologizing, and just generally taking a cowed nature when faced with an enraged opponent who cannot be reasoned with.
I'm trying to figure out if a manic or depressive. It feels funny not going down physically, but if I were to define what it is to feel severe depression, I would say anomalously, my mind is closer to there than my body.
My body on the other hand has been moving around and behaving fine. And the exception of anxiety that has spiked lightly, physically if I could just stay awake long enough I could get a lot more stuff done.
I still struggle with my moods. Identifying them is really hard for me. So I'm always second-guessing my emotions not quite knowing if I'm on the right track or not. Or even worse, I'm sure I'm on the right track in the other person is wrong no matter what they say. But I try not to be simple-minded or result to black and white thinking.
Bipolar does not go away in a 6-day good streak. I know it seems hopeful to think that it might have gone away in that short amount of time, but even if bipolar disappears, I still have to relearn how to live my life.
And relearning my life should be a huge deal for me because I haven't really lived in so long.
I guess I'm going to say I'm technically in a mixed state. I forgot what the criteria are, but I believe it's 3 or 4 symptoms of depression with 3 or 4 symptoms of mania at the same time.
Mania
1. Agitated and irritated about noises. I can't understand anybody.
2. Maybe that's because of my mind is going so fast.
3. Obessive features like cleaning and organization
4. Walking around outside for hours can't sit still.
Depression
1. I have sleep anxiety and evening anxiety.
2. I'm close to tears a lot more than I normally am.
3. Been feeling sad.
4. It's harder to get up each day, especially when I think about how much work it's going to take to put my life back together. Tbh, I just don't know if it's worth the trouble some days.